Welcome to the demented world of the Lycan
Long time no see, as I have mentioned before I am dropping down to about once a month, it sucks. Kinda wanna go back to where I was writing more often. I guess its kinda like as long as I have the same crap to say, why bother. At the same time, I am noticing that my hours somehow disappear somewhere, I have no idea where, feels like I get two hours of peace at home.
I know its just an illusion cause I am stressing my self up, but as I have mentioned before anything your mind believes to be true is reality. Anyway lets get to the updating, I know you are all dieing to hear how things are going. I have decided to reopen the new concept “Style by BK” on Saturday 27 October, with a brand mix of Guess, G-Star, Miss Me, Gustav, Nu by Staff, Wiksen, Style Butler and a few more. All are high end brands (and I am scared shit less lol) Is it the right move? I have no f’ing clue, I tried the medium range and you all know the result. I know right know on a cheapass range (we are talking about max price 50$) still no cheddar, hell if that was working I would stay with a cheap concept on Liertoppen.
I am still fighting a battle with the bank to get a loan (business loan I have givien up on, now we are talking about a second mortgage) and there is still an issue. So its either that or take up regular loan, but they are expensive as hell. As far as the stock I am gonna cut down on the store, making two changing rooms rather than one, and moving the till (I think) having a seating area with a espresso machine (which I already got for a nice price, it was 100$ but the went to the capsules, the machine “free”. New name and hopefully a new floor if I can afford it.
All this needs to be in place, at the top of it I am not sure if I am going to have enough merchandise to open the store with, but if don’t open now, I will have to open February/march which are sucky months to open the new concept, people are drained from Christmas chopping as well as the January sale so feb/march are dead. Gah the stress, I have spent 944 min on phone this month
At times I just wanna go fuck it and run away from everything and everyone. I hope things start to shift cause I want to be able to not only take care of my self but also my family, I want to contribute to those who have less and do great things, but for that I need to get some money and get my head on straight (and yes I know you don’t need money to contribute, there are lots of ways, but thats how I want to do it)
There is this girl that works at a instrument shop here on Liertoppen, she is canadian and I thinking about getting her a sa manager, she has a collage degree and managerial experience, she know many of the brands that I am going to take in. Seems bright, so the thought is to have an all girl staff, get my ass back to a day job, which will safeguard my own economy.
I also have admit that I have somewhat of a crush (I dont like that word, seems so..juvenile, but I have not had breakfast yet and its the closest to what I feel) on her, I like her, she is beautiful, smart, likes gaming and anime. Not sure on how loving and emotional she is, she is a tom boy. She likes to work and seems to have aspirations, and the bonus I get to talk to her in english, she has a tendency to bring out the best in me with I am with her. She makes me smile and I feel free around her to play and act. But ah-lass she is in a relationship, hell even if she was not, wouldn’t make any difference. Anyway, I am hoping she can be good for business and I am taking her with me to Guess tomorrow she will help me purchase. I hope that someday I can find someone like her as a partner in life, or at least how I see her to be
I have talked about being depressed and pissed off a lot on here, hell I can’t believe that I have the readers that do with my constant whining ~laughs~ (I thank you and appreciate you, its nice to know that someone is out there reading what I writing, you know what I mean? a sense of connection) Anyway, I try to do 5-6 days of morning yoga and meditation, nothing major just some breathing exercises (15 min of three different pranyam “yoga of breathing” and 10 min meditation) when I am doing it I will either listen or watch inspiration/motivation/self development type things, you know Tony Robbins, Bob Proctor, The Secrete, Will Smith, Muscle Prodigy and so on
I just started on Tony Robbins Ultimate Relationship program (both audio and video) now as I have mentioned to Mysterycoach, there is somehting about his voice, he just inspires me, but I had been not wanting to listen to the relationship thing just cause I am not in a intimate relationship (yes I know family and friends count to and I suck with those relationships as well, but I wanted to prioritize some other stuff and I don’t have the energy to focus on all the shitty things I do when it comes to family and friends. I could be and do much better) ANNNNYWAY I did not have anything else so I started listening to it
First of all he mentions the six human needs, which he almost talks about in all his stuff (I have mentioned them before in a post as well) and rightly so, no matter what structure you follow, be it maslow’s hierarchy of needs, tony’s 6 human needs or even the mystery’s survival and replication theory, they are all in their own way right because even with all our human complexity we are basic simple creature looking to satisfy our needs in one manner or another
In Tony’s structure they are 1. Certainty, we need certainty that the sky wont fall down, that way have a roof our head and food in our bellies. 2. Uncertainty, as stupid as it sounds we need it, if you know at all times everything that will happen and how it will happen you would get bored out of your mind, ever hear of someone in a relationship complain about how they and their mate have become “more like friends” then lovers? thats what has happened in most cases. There is no uncertainty anymore no spark. 3. Significance, we all have a need to feel significant, to be unique to feel like we matter. Some achieve this by being the best they can be, some by having more holes in their bodies or tattoos that can be counted. Some by proclaiming that I don’t have the need to be significant. 4. Connection, we are in the end a pack animal, we look for connection, love. To other people, to God, to pets, to art. 5. Growth, we all need to grow because if we are not growing we are dieing and 6. Contribution, to contribute beyond ourselves, to something greater and bigger.
No almost all human actions are designed so they fill one or more of these needs. Either in positive, neutral or negative manner, anytime we can fill more then three needs with the same action, that action is likely to become an addiction. IE cat lady, that is someone filling their need for significance (the cats would die without her care), certainty (they will always be there) and connection (they love her no matter what). It can even take on the shape of contribution where someone is taking cats of the streets to fill in their homes thinking they are contributing by “saving them” You get the general idea.
I had heard this multiple times before, but repetition is the key to mastery and it is first now that I can remember all six. But more then that in the relationship program he talked about something that really turned on a light bulb. Somewhat of a “ahh hu” moment. Something I had never thought of , he started talking to a chick in the audience who suffered from trust issues, trust in men, but more so she had an depression issue. Now anything depression related and my ears perk up like a cat. I have been struggling with my own feelings as you may know and I want to stop feeling the way I do.
As always you learn something as long as you listen and I got a view of depression I had not seen before. Lets take a step back, I know that much of my depression stems from the fact that many of my needs are not being met, some not at all and some not in the way I need them to (IE: I could always have a better connection with my parents and friends). Many of my desires stems from the needs I place highest on the pecking order and how I view that they will impact the others. Take for example love, I do not feel worthy of love by a women, I feel like I am not good enough. In my case unlike for many others this feeling is amplified by the fact that I never get or have gotten much interest from the fairer sex. I can not with my hand on my heart in all honesty say that ever in my life I really have had a girl fall in love with me for me and or found me attractive (the closest I have come is to a girl I used to teach in my Wing Chun Class, who was a lesbian so you go figure. But that was more a daddy issue then pure attraction)
The thing that really hit me and was something that I had not realized before (well not on that level) is that people use depression and anger to meet those unmet needs. Well I know that some people use depression and anger to get attention from other, but the fact that some also use it to more or less fill their needs. Like this women he was talking and using as an example. She used depression as one to get attention, but also to feel connection, to feel loved. Moreover it let her be feminine (in the sense of the feminine feelings) being allowed to feel. But it also made her feel week and when she was tired of feeling that she resorted to anger this made her feel powerful and strong. Again when she was tired of anger she went back to depression, Tony mentioned to this as the crazy eight pattern. She was filling her need for connection (with her self and with those trying to help), significances (by becoming the focal point) and certainty (she could go to depression when ever she wanted and it was there.
It made me understand how I meet my own needs by the same kind of feelings, though I am not using depression to get attention from others, I do it to connect with myself, to let me feel, and when I shit tired of feeling like that I go to anger. There like 3-4 tapes, I am still on one so will be interesting to see what pops up. Of course knowing why I am doing what I am doing is one thing, but if I can stop doing it, is another matter all together.
I have been having a few Facebook discussions with Sandz, about atheism and I wanted to share some of it here. Now I don’t like to judge or be judged for what I believe in, because lets face it, being “Christian” “Muslim” “Jew” “Atheist” really says shit about someone. Its not what you believe in that defines you, its how you define what you believe in that defines you. There is just to much bullshit going around, and the funny thing is that what most atheist claim that what they are is the absence belief. But in most cases when you break it down, atheist are just a another set of people with their own set of believes, not to mention that someone of them are equally fanatic in their belief as they claim religious followers to be. Because it is one thing to be “I do not believe in such and such, because of this and that” however many atheist just like those with a deity belief are just as adamant about how what they believe in is the ONLY truth, how they will try and convince you on why you are an idiot for believing something else and are readily willing to make fun of those who do not follow in the same thought structure. I find that incredibly funny as how people blame others for doing exactly what they are doing them selves.
Lastly training, man my strength is suffering 6 weeks passed my diet break, I am starting to have issues again completing my programs. if I can just fall 3-4 lbs below from before I started the break, I can increase my intake and start to build for a bit.
Anyway here is some of my rant, enjoy.